Does Hatred Have a Simple Cure?
“Hatred, which could destroy so much, never
failed to destroy the man who hated, and this was an immutable
law.” ― James Baldwin,
The Fire Next Time
I have counselled many families through times of marital
discord. When a breakup occurred because
of infidelity or betrayal of common goals, the person who felt wronged
described feelings of disbelief, sadness, anger, and hurt. These patients often appeared ill. They slept
poorly; they looked anxious and depressed; and they had multiple somatic
complaints. When anger morphed into toxic hatred of a partner, their clinical
condition deteriorated further. The advice I offered them was traditional and
pragmatic: “Hating someone harms you more than it hurts them. It serves no
useful purpose and anchors you to the past. It interferes with your ability to
make sound decisions and it keeps you from enjoying pleasures that might
replace those that were lost. It is in your best interest to put these
hostile feelings aside so you can focus on improving the future.” I was very aware that the preferred solution
would be to suggest forgiving the perceived wrong, but I rarely made this recommendation. I had already
observed that individuals who are consumed by hate for any reason are
irrational and think this advice reflects naiveté; some even become hostile at
its mention. Even worse, if forgiveness is
believed to be an unattainable goal ("I will never forgive him for this despicable
behavior"), it might convince them that their only choice is to keep on
hating. My intent was to facilitate functionality. Philosophical discussions
about forgiveness would have to wait.
To address this issue properly, we must first distinguish between hatred that
is a transient emotion and hatred that is consuming and pervasive. Perhaps we should refer to the latter as a
“hatred disorder” when it becomes so severe that it interferes with a person’s
ability to function normally. The hater
experiences visceral pain that can be so intense it becomes immobilizing and it
can be accompanied by a dangerous mistaken belief that only retribution will
bring relief. In our personal lives,
this animosity might be directed toward a person who is blamed for our
suffering. In a more abstract setting, it can target any group whose values
present an existential threat to our own. In both cases, just being alive seems
reason enough to hate these individuals.
The process of hating generates instant reward by using spiritual magic to punish the villain - the
equivalent of piercing a voodoo doll. On
the other hand, the delayed gratification that might occur from granting
forgiveness requires mental agility because the culprit remains conceptually
unpunished. In addition, when we are
told that we must learn how to
forgive [1]it
implies that this is an acquired rather than innate skill. So, except for those few individuals whose
generosity of spirit allows them to forgive because it is the ™right™ thing to
do, forgiving is not forgiveness at all. It is a pragmatic choice to suppress
hatred to achieve a longer-term goal.
I was frustrated by my inability to help these patients and it seemed clear
that a different strategy was needed:
“Forgive, Forget (Ignore), and Move On” did not seem to be the best answer. A viable solution
became apparent once I realized that similar to the act of loving, the act of
hating is also a very strong emotional attractant. Both extremes
on the spectrum of human interactions constantly draw us toward the other
person as reassurance that the intensity of emotion has not changed. In this
case, we are attracted to the object of loathing in order to be certain that we
still hate it. And when hatred is used as a psychic weapon, the attraction becomes
even stronger: The more we obsess over the person, the more we hate him. And
the more we hate him, the more punishment we are inflicting.
Trial and error confirmed that if we
substitute for hatred equally intense but different emotions that repel rather than attract, we can create
an alternate plan that does not require forgiveness. Disgust and repulsion are
excellent choices. Voila! When we
think of the hated person as disgusting and repulsive, it pushes their image
away and out of our consciousness. As a bonus, the more the individual was
hated, the more repulsive and distant he becomes. What difference does it make
what this disgusting person did - or is doing - or will do in the future? Why
would anyone care why he did it? Repulsive individuals do despicable things; no
other explanation is necessary. The desire for retribution suddenly evaporates
because exposing this person’s vile nature is satisfaction enough. Aversion has
created distance from toxic thoughts and made room for recovery that hopefully
will return us to our pre-injured state. And yes – we now have the ability to
move on.
This entire process seemed
counter-intuitive. I had to put aside my personal and professional hesitation
to prescribe the use of negative thoughts directed toward others. But my
reservations were balanced against the effectiveness of this strategy and the
knowledge that the patient’s decision is not irrevocable. Circumstances and
perceptions can change with healing and time. And if they do, forgiveness
remains an open option that can be considered in the future.
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